Skating Lessons
by cagd
Summary: Willliam the Bloody attempts to teach Drusilla how to ice skate. Angelus and Darla aren't much help.


  
Drusilla likes learning how to skate. 

Drusilla likes learning how to skate very much.

So does Miss Edith, though she will not try.

Miss Edith would much rather watch.

Only she prefers being blindfolded.

Which makes it very hard to watch.

Skating, that is.

Drusilla is learning how to skate, but she'd rather watch too.

It's more fun, watching.

With or without a blindfold.

Our sweet William knows how to skate.

He is very good at it. Skating.

He hates to skate alone.

So he says, "C'mon pet. Don't just stand there all wobbly kneed in the middle of the pond, I'll help you."

Miss Edith approves of this, don't you Miss Edith?

Even when Drusilla falls down, thud!

It is good that Drusilla is very, very dead, or she would have bruises forever in a very rude place from learning how to skate.

Our dark star kisses our rude place and makes it all better.

Which is why we like learning how to skate, don't we Miss Edith?

Even if our sweet William won't kiss Miss Edith's rude place.

He says, "Let her get her own boy doll!"

Then there's grandmummy.

Grandmummy doesn't care to learn to skate.

No. Not at all.

She prefers to watch.

Grandmummy says, "Where else can you see grown men make utter asses of themselves while still fully dressed?"

This is because last night papa tried to teach our sweet William how to skate, though it seemed a vexing waste of time: teaching.

Teaching our sweet William.

How to skate.

It is a waste of time because our sweet William does not care to listen to papa.

Our sweet William would much rather do things his own way.

Anyway, our sweet William already knows how to skate.

But papa kept trying.

He put on skates and went onto the ice to teach our sweet William.

But he never taught our sweet William anything.

Instead he went "thud".

He got up while our sweet William glided around him.

Papa tried to catch our sweet William but our sweet William wouldn't be caught.

Instead he made manymany circles on the ice around papa with his skates while papa roared and went down thud a lot.

Also as papa went down thud a lot, our sweet William said many rude things to papa.

Grandmummy found this all very amusing.

So did Drusilla.

So did Miss Edith.

Tonight the skating lessons were 'specially amusing.

Papa finally caught our dark star so that he could teach him how to skate.

We know this because papa said as he grabbed our dear, wicked boy by the neck, "I'll teach yeh t' skate circles 'round me yeh nasty little barstard!"

Our sweet William said "Gurgle!"

"Oooooh, how delicious!" said Grandmummy clapping her hands. "This is much more fun than skating!"

"Delicious, like powdered glass and crumpets for tea!" agreed Drusilla.

Miss Edith said nothing because she has no voice, but Drusilla knew that Miss Edith found this delicious as well.

And so we watched our papa teach our sweet William how to skate in circles.

It was very amusing.

Skating in circles is very difficult. It must be, or why would papa and our sweet William, our dark star, be grunting and yelling at each other and going thud a lot on the ice while spilling lots of delicious blood?

This made grandmummy laugh.

This made grandmummy laugh a lot.

So did Drusilla.

Laugh.

A lot.

Papa sat on our sweet William and banged his head on the ice over and over and over.

It sounded like a drum.

Bang! Bang!

Then our sweet William bit our papa on the nose.

"Argh!" yelled our papa, so he banged our sweet William's head on the ice some more.

Bang! Bang!

Our sweet William kicked our papa in a very rude place, with his skates.

"Eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!" went papa and curled up in a ball.

"Ha-ha, pouf!" went our sweet William and then "Oh bugger!" when our papa picked him up by the skates and smacked the ice with our sweet William's head twice once more.

Bang! Bang!

Crack! Crack!

What was that?

Oh, how splendid, the ice just broke! Now papa and our sweet William are learning how to swim.

"Come along Drusilla." Said grandmummy, "This show is over and I'm getting bored."

"If grandmummy insists." Said Drusilla.

"Stop calling me grandmummy." Said grandmummy.

"All right, grandmummy." Said Drusilla.

"Help!" said papa.

"Help!" said our sweet William.

"Ignore them." Said grandmummy, "They're only trying to get attention."

"All right, grandmummy." Said Drusilla. Miss Edith just smiled like she always does.

So grandmummy and Drusilla and Miss Edith went back to our lair, a nice country house with many big fireplaces and lots of tasty servants.

Soon papa and our sweet William came to the door.

Their hair was all frozen stiff.

Their clothes were all frozen stiff.

Their faces were blue, how pretty!

Grandmummy did not want to let them in.

Grandmummy said, "Those two jackasses have made their own beds. I'll be damned if I spend the day sleeping next to a snoring glacier."

So she yelled, "Go sleep in the stables with the rest of the donkeys, you two!"

This did not please papa so he broke down the door.

Our sweet William helped.

Grandmummy was vexed, but she helped papa out of his frozen clothes.

Drusilla was vexed but she helped her sweet William out of his frozen clothes.

Then Drusilla laughed.

She laughed at papa.

She laughed at her sweet William.

Miss Edith smiled politely.

Grandmummy said, "What's so funny, Drusilla?"

Drusilla was laughing hard, so she pointed.

She pointed at papa's rude parts.

She pointed at our sweet William's rude parts.

Grandmummy began laughing too.

Papa got mad.

Our sweet William got mad.

Then they looked down.

They weren't mad for long.

Papa yelled, "Woman, what've yeh done to me? 'S gone!"

Our sweet William yelled "Bollocks? Bollocks! I mean, where did they soddin' go?"

Now they were sad.

Both of them.

So very sad while grandmummy, Drusilla and Miss Edith laughed at them.

It made Drusilla's stomach hurt, it was so funny.

Then grandmummy took what was left of papa's rude parts and said, "It wasn't me, you stupid fool, it was the cold water when you banged William's thick head against the ice and broke it. The ice, not the head. If you stop feeling sorry for yourself, I promise to rub it until it comes back, silly boy."

Papa grinned at grandmummy, "Fair enough!" and he knocked her down in front of the fire.

"Well, pet?" Our sweet William said to us, his Drusilla, "How's about a bit of rubbin' for your old man, eh?"

"Maybe." said his Drusilla.

"What?"

"Maybe." said his Drusilla.

"I don't believe this! I'm standin' here with me John Thomas half froze off and all you say is 'Maybe'?"

"Oh, all right." said his Drusilla, "If you insist!"

Yes. Drusilla likes learning how to skate.

Drusilla likes learning how to skate very much.


End file.
